Top Ten Things I have Learned and Will Take With Me

   

 1.     Family Systems theory. The idea that the family works as a system with specific roles that each members play. It shows that certain relationships need boundaries. For example the marriage should have a boundary around it, with each spouse being the most important. It also can show us when we have things that are out of whack. A “family system” that has boundaries that are lose have problems with their ability to bond as a family. It can show us if there are rigid boundaries as well. It is a good way to represent relationships visually for others to see.

2.     Homosexuality. I learned so much from this lesson in class. It really helped me to understand the issue. There were specific traits that led to future homosexuality. They were a) a wounded gender identity b) father hunger c) mother confusion d) inappropriate touch e) pornography. I thought that this was really eye opening and made me want to change the way that I raise my son to make sure that many of these traits have no place.

3.     Dating/Affection.  I really thought the three T’s were a great way to break               down the process of relationships. Time, Togetherness, and Talks all add to a good relationship. The stages of a relationship as 1) Rapport- a harmonious and comfortable relationship 2) Self Revelation 3) Mutual Dependency 4) Intimacy need fulfillment. I think that this is valuable information for us as parents and with our spouses. Understanding these processes can help us to articulate to others what healthy relationships are. They can help us guide our children when they begin to date and have children.

4.     Daddy Involvement in pregnancy and birth.  In class the discussion was about early transitions in marriage.. Having children actually lowers marital satisfaction. In some ways that is not all that surprising. It slowly decreases after each child is born, levels off and then raises again when children are out of the house. This information however is important because we will have this transition in our family. It is important that we make sure that we involve dad so that we have high satisfaction even when there are children.

1) Involve Dad-ALOT

     Have him come along for doctors’ visits

     Talk to him about what your experiencing as a mom

     Plan together

2) Make time for the two of you

    Have a Babymoon

    Go on dates once a week

    Be affectionate

5.     Human Sexuality. According to research, common sense and the gospel here is how to have great sex: 1. Get Married!!! According to various studies married people have the most satisfying sex lives. Make sense right? There is much security and safety in a committed and enduring relationship.2. Love your spouse more than yourself. When you are caring more about them and focusing on them you create more happiness and love. You literally fall in love more when you serve your spouse, and that definitely makes making love more easy and satisfying.3. Have open lines of communication. Not just about sex, but about everything. It is so much nicer to first share your thoughts, and feelings before you share your bed.

4. Keep the flame alive. Keep things romantic with yourselves. Write each other love notes. Send flirty texts. Compliment your spouse. Date each other.

6.     Affairs. I think that this was a very important and relevant lesson in our lives. It is so easy to slip into one and not be aware of it because we know that we are not having intimacy, but there are ways to have one without having sexual intimacy, and all are wrong. The types of affairs are fantasy, visual, sexual, romantic. They all involve separating our heart from our partner and are damaging to the marriage.

7.     The Magic Five Hours. I really loved this concept and have adopted it into my own marriage and have had great success in doing so. I think it is wonderful for creating intimacy within the marriage. Partings-Take 2 min a day, 5 days a week before one of you leaves for work. This is making special one on one time before you leave for the day. Reunions- Spend 20 min reuniting 5 days a week. Admiration and Appreciation-Spend 5 minutes, seven days a week communicating your admiration for one another. Affection-Spend 5 minutes a day, 7 days a week sharing affection outside of sexual intimacy. Date- Have a two hour date a week spending time together and sharing. Make sure it is a prepared, planned, and paired off

8.     Counseling with our Councils. Family Meetings are vital for further family unity and for good communication. It creates intimacy within the family. It helps all of the family members to feel as if they are important and that their opinions are important and worthwhile.  Councils help to bring about change. They help us each to come to a solution as a family. To start our council we have to first have an agenda. One way to do this is to have a blank sheet of paper on the fridge and have family members write at will topics that they wish to discuss. Once an agenda is completed there needs to be a pre meeting. Mom and Dad need to come together and meet to figure out what topics they are going to discuss and how they should present the ideas. Then it is time for the real council or meeting. The schedule should be like this 1. Express Love to Each Other2. Opening Prayer 3. Discuss Topics 4. Closing Prayer 5. Refreshments. Even the youngest children in the family should be allowed to contribute. When we have decisions to make that concern the family we should not forget to council with the Lord. I think if when we have our opening prayer, if we can consecrate our meeting to Him we can more fully understand His will. One major thing about the council is that nothing moves forward without a complete consensus. Everyone has to be on board. I think that this can be a blessing in our home if we use it properly. We can create a home that can become a force for good. We can become unified and we can become more productive. I feel that this truly can bless our lives if we use it appropriately.

9.     Blended Families. When trying to blend two families together many of us don't realize how difficult that can be. In the media divorced families are most often not displayed accurately. Shows like Reba for example are just not the norm when it comes to mixing two households. However there is lots of research that can help us as we try to create a home. 1. Realize that it takes about two years (on average) to create some kind of normalcy within the family 2. Let the original birth parent do most of the heavy discipline 3. The new stepparent should be having a role similar to an aunt or uncle in the beginning 4. Coordinate and Counsel together as a married behind closed doors about how to precede 5. Focus on your Marriage-don't forget to take time to cultivate and work on your marriage together especially if you are newlyweds. Cherish that time of getting to know each other and bond. I think that it is important that in trying to create a blended family or really any family that we focus first on our marriage. That is truly the most important relationship that we will ever have in this life. Parenthood is a wonderful thing, but it is temporary compared to a marriage. I truly feel that if we put our marriage first that we other parts of our family will fall into place.

10.                        I think the most important thing that I have taken from this class is an ability to look and analyze systems and research that can help to benefit my family. This class has helped me to have better confidence in my own ability to be a parent and to make a difference in my home. I have more of a desire to be a productive member of my family. I am more confident because I have been given tools to analyze and look at information and to use the spirit while I am making my decisions. I also have a strong testimony of the importance of the family. There truly is no other organization more important and vital to each person. 

How to Have a Successful Blended Family

When trying to blend two families together many of us don't realize how difficult that can be. In the media divorced families are most often not displayed accurately. Shows like Reba for example are just not the norm when it comes to mixing two households. However there is lots of research that can help us as we try to create a home. 

1. Realize that it takes about two years (on average) to create some kind of normalcy within the family

2. Let the original birth parent do most of the heavy discipline

3. The new stepparent should be have a role similar to an aunt or uncle in the beginning 

4. Coordinate and Counsel together as a married behind closed doors about how to proceed

5. Focus on your Marriage-don't forget to take time to cultivate and work on your marriage together especially if you are newlyweds. Cherish that time of getting to know each other and bond. 

I think that it is important that in trying to create a blended family or really any family that we focus first on our marriage. That is truly the most important relationship that we will ever have in this life. Parenthood is a wonderful thing, but it is temporary compared to a marriage. I truly feel that if we put our marriage first that we other parts of our family will fall into place. 

Parenting-Is it worth it?

Is parenting worth it? There have been studies that say that it costs around 250,000 dollars.Now that is a pretty large investment. Is having a child really worth a quarter of a million dollars? Is it really ethical to put a price tag on raising a child? I believe that having a child is the greatest work that we can ever be apart of. I think that having a child teaches us to be more loving, kind, and patient. They teach us to be better. They inspire and encourage the best in us. I think it is the way that God designed it to be, and because of that it is the road to our greatest happiness. It is when we are aligned with Heavenly Fathers plan for us that we begin to grow, that we have the ability to become more like him. 

Fatherhood

President Ezra Taft Benson said, "...Fatherhood is not a matter of station or wealth; it is a matter of desire, diligence, and determination to see one’s family exalted in the celestial kingdom. If that prize is lost, nothing else really matters. "I agree with this completely. I think that fatherhood is a universal career. I believe that it is the most important calling that a man can hold. It is an eternal calling with great responsibility and influence. It has the ability to bring out not only the best in men, but also the best in their wives and children.

How Dads are Different

            Fathers parent and discipline differently. They have a distinct way of acting with their children. In my research I saw that even when children are eight weeks old they can tell the difference between the way they interact with dad as separate and distinct from the way that their mothers interact with them. Fathers are more likely to use discipline techniques such as lecturing and taking away privileges than mothers. Overall they are more strict on their children than mom, but this allows children to experience differences. Even though they parent differently than mom they help to reinforce the family values.

            Fathers play differently with their children. Dads chase and roughhouse with their children. They are a lot less protective than mothers. They let children run faster and climb higher. They allow children to push the limits and experience thrills. They even help children to learn better self-control; with the differences of mom and dad children experience more variety and are able to grow and understand more. These interaction help teach children about relationships.

Fathers provide children with a view of men. During their early years children are definitely around more women than men. However dad is the consistent man in their life. He offers children their first and most permanent look into the world of men. They look, talk, act, dress and think differently than women. It has been proven in different studies that fathers affect their child’s sexuality more than women. They are responsible for showing girls what men are like, and showing their sons how to treat women. Children with fathers around have healthier romantic relationships later in life. Sociologist David Propone said this, "Fathers are far more than just 'second adults' in the home. Involved fathers — especially biological fathers — bring positive benefits to their children that no other person is as likely to bring."

Fathers help children with communication. Dads are less likely than mothers to speak to children at their own level. Often they do not change their language to fit the child’s understanding, and in doing this they help children’s vocabulary to grow more and develop. Cognitive skills improve when there is a father in the home.

Fathers help prepare children for the real world. Children are told more often by their fathers that people will not like them if they behave a specific way. They are more honest with their children than women. Often they do not sugarcoat things for their children. They are real and honest with those they raise. Fatherhood is important!!

The Democracy of Decisions

Family Meetings are vital for further family unity and for good communication. It creates a intimacy withing the family. It helps all of the family members to feel as if they are important and that their opinions are important and worthwhile.  Councils help to bring about change. They help us each to come to a solution as a family. To start our council we have to first have an agenda.

One way to do this is to have a blank sheet of paper on the fridge and have family members write at will topics that they wish to discuss. Once an agenda is completed there needs to be a pre meeting. Mom and Dad need to come together and meet to figure out what topics they are going to discuss and how they should present the ideas. Then it is time for the real council or meeting. The schedule should be like this

1. Express Love to Each Other

2. Opening Prayer

3. Discuss Topics

4. Closing Prayer 

5. Refreshments

Even the youngest children in the family should be allowed to contribute. When we have decisions to make that concern the family we should not forget to council with the Lord. I think if when we have our opening prayer, if we can consecrate our meeting to Him we can more fully understand His will. One major thing about the council is that nothing moves forward without a complete consensus. Everyone has to be on board. I think that this can be a blessing in our home if we use it properly. We can create a home that can become a force for good. We can become unified and we can become more productive. I feel that this truly can bless our lives if we use it appropriately. 

The Mess of Stress

Stress happens, to everyone. Everyone has some kind of strain in their family at some point. Whether it is the death of a loved one, an addiction, or even just fighting everyone has it at some point. So what can we do when our families experience stress?
1. Realize that there is a problem-so much of our problems stem from not acknowledging the elephant in the room. This is the first step to solving our problem.
2. Lean on each other-that is what family is for! We are there to rely on one another, especially in marriage. We should be able to turn to each other for comfort.
3. Stop saying you can't handle the problem-you are never going to work through the crisis if we are so caught up with the fact they we can't handle. We have to be able to have the mental mindset of fixing the problem, and we cant do that if our mouth is saying something else.
4. Counsel together (see next post)
5. Look to God- for hope, help and healing.

How to Have Great Sex

According to research, common sense and the gospel here is how to have great sex:

1. Get Married!!! According to various studies married people have the most satisfying sex lives. Make sense right? There is much security and safety in a committed and enduring relationship.
2. Love your spouse more than yourself. When you are caring more about them and focusing on them you create more happiness and love. You literally fall in love more when you serve your spouse, and that definitely makes making love more easy and satisfying.
3. Have open lines of communication. Not just about sex, but about everything. It is so much nicer to first share your thoughts, and feelings before you share your bed.
4. Keep the flame alive. Keep things romantic with yourselves. Write each other love notes. Send flirty texts. Compliment your spouse. Date each other.

Jefferey R. Holland in his wonderful talk Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments said this about marital intimacy, 

"May I suggest that human intimacy, that sacred, 

physical union ordained of God for a married couple, deals 

with a symbol that demands special sanctity. Such an act of 

love between a man and a woman is — or certainly was 

ordained to be — a symbol of total union: union of their 

hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their 

future, their everything. It is a symbol that we try to suggest 

in the temple with a word like seal."

Baby Bumps in the Road

In class the discussion was about early transitions in marriage. I would like to focus on one transition, having children. Having children actually lowers marital satisfaction.In some ways that is not all that surprising. It slowly decreases after each child is born, levels off and then raises again when children are out of the house. So what can we do to help our marriages be satisfying even when we have those "Baby Bumps in the Road."
1) Involve Dad-ALOT
     Have him come along for doctors visits
     Talk to him about what your experiencing as a mom
     Plan together
2) Make time for the two of you
    Have a Babymoon
    Go on dates once a week
    Be affectionate



 

Family Systems Project

I have spent most of the week working on my family systems project. The project was to create something that represented the system within my nuclear family. I chose to compare my family to the three little pigs story and made peg dolls and mini houses for them.

Each member of my family is a character within the story. My brother is the pig that built the house out of straw, I am the pig with house of sticks and my mom and dad are the third pig with the house of bricks. The big bad wolf is family conflict. As I did this I began to learn more insights into my family and even my own behavior within a family. I think it is important if we from time to time examine our families and the roles we play in them, and strive to make changes within our home. 

Gender- Equal Does Not Mean Identical

This weeks discussion was on gender and the roles that we play. I think it is an extremely important and relevant topic for us to cover. We have been told that our gender is an eternal part of who we are. I firmly believe that. I think it is vital that we understand that. Our Heavenly Father has created us so in such a divine way, that we are naturally unhappy when we cannot fulfill these roles. I think if we cannot understand our work and mission that we are doomed to a life filled with unhappiness and doubt. It creates a disequilibrium so to speak. I know because I have experienced this. As I began to enter my late teen years I began to place more important things above my role as a wife and mother. In many ways I did not want to be a mother. I loved children, but I wanted to have a career and motherhood just seemed very distant. In many ways I feel that I lacked the ability to be a good mother. I had seen many bad examples growing up, even within my own family and felt that I was destined to become like them. As my faith in Jesus Christ grew so did my confidence in my ability to have a happy home. Family is truly a faith based work. It takes faith to be able to create families and to be a mother. I am grateful for the knowledge of my divine role. It creates so much joy and happiness in my life to know that I am on the right course.
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Diversity...really??

This week we have the topic of family diversity. We had the interesting discussion of whether all cultures are equally valid in producing happy and healthy families. In my opinion I feel like all cultures are not the best to create happy and healthy families. I would like to clarify here that when I say culture I do not mean race. I mean culture as in , "A system of shared beliefs, norms, behaviors, and expectations that persist over time, and prescribe social behavior and assumptions." For the sake of this blog post I will also define family purpose as the ability to produce healthy offspring. Healthy in all respects psycho, social, and biological development. I am going to take the stance that not all cultures are equally helpful in raising a family. I think we can all agree that the culture of a drug addict micro-society is unhealthy for children. Most of society believes this, that is why we have programs such as CPS in place. There is also a specific culture where adults will marry and are perfectly capable to have children, but choose not too. It is important to have an opinion, I think often we tend to have the opinion that all cultures are right. I think we need to learn and examine and find out for ourselves whether some environment are better than others.

Whats theory got to do with it?

This week we discussed different family theories. I know what your thinking...ugg theories, those annoying things that we all have to learn about each semester when all we really want to do is get into the real meat and potatoes of the school. I have found however through more explanation that these theories really are awesome. They explain some great family interactions. 

Systems Theory- the theory that most families have a type of system with each individual playing a specific role with accompanying rules.Its really not as technical as it seems. For example many families have the peacemaker in the home that kinda defuses the tension. We can also have the baby of the family who has a certain role that accompanies it. I think this is particularly valuable in that we can think about what roles am I playing? What rules does my family have?

Exchange theory- What I put into the relationship I want to get out of as well. Haha so this is a big one in my newly married life. For example just yesterday I cleaned an area and then I specifically left the light on in that area so that my husband would notice that I had cleaned. To my slight annoyance though he didn't notice so I just pointed it out, seeking the praise I felt I deserved. I think we all do this. Often however it becomes a problem when things are not always rewarding and then we think that we cant be in this relationship anymore. 

Conflict theory- This is a theory where the one that through conflict we try to gain the upper hand and change things in the family. I often was guilty of this one growing up. I would always try to gain control of the situation so I would receive less punishment that I probably really deserved. 

I think these theories are valuable in that they can hep us understand our family dynamic more, and make it a more peaceful and loving place to be. 

The Tragic Tale of Depopulation

I was quite surprised this week in my family relations class. We are studying trends within the family this week, and we discussed a trend the I have never heard of before. This trend is depopulation. As time goes on women are having fewer and fewer children. In some ways this does not always seem that surprising, but it is a global problem not just an american problem. Everywhere families are growing smaller and smaller. The birthrate at this moment is 1.89 and we need 2.13 to have population replacement. President Spencer W. Kimball said, “There are multitudes of pure and holy spirits waiting to take tabernacles, now what is our duty?—To prepare tabernacles for them; to take a course that will not tend to drive those spirits into the families of the wicked, where they will be trained in wickedness, debauchery, and every species of crime. It is the duty of every righteous man and woman to prepare tabernacles for all the spirits they can.” I believe that it is important that we prayerfully consider when and how many children to have. The family depends on children for survival. It depends on children for growth and learning, and for progress. It is in family life that we can become the best that we can, that we can serve and learn to love.

Starting this Blog

This blog is for my family relations class. It is going to be place where I can record my thoughts based on my class discussions and what I am learning. There will be at least one post a week.